From the wild hair dept…

August 7, 2009 at 1:58 pm | Posted in Christianity | Leave a comment
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Breakthrough May Help President, Congress

By Ivana Nodatruth

Tuscaloosa, AL – Researchers at the University of Alabama at Tuscaloosa have been working around the clock in a feverish effort to finish what could be one of the most amazing medical breakthroughs of the past century. If successful, the highly advanced research is expected to change the face of medicine and politics in America.

The researchers have been working on experimental tissue restructuring techniques that would allow them to create new organs from cell tissue cultures. While ethics issues are still being discussed, the researchers believe that the overall good that will come from the new organs will outweigh any concerns that may come from ethical issues. Dr. Ichabod M. Fulovit, the lead researcher for the project feels that the research his team is doing will be of great benefit to the United States and may possibly be brought to other nations as well.

The research team at the University of Alabama is working on the project in collaboration with four other colleges across the country, using grant money from the president’s stimulus bill. In an effort to remain focused and to allow for the best possible outcome, each university has decided to take on the project of creating one organ. This also allows the research to be completed in less time. The teams hope to have all of the organs completed in the near future so that they can be transplanted as soon as possible. The five organs that are currently being created are the eye, the heart, the tongue, the brain, and the spine. While there are mechanical versions of some of the organs, they have never before been created from human tissue.

When asked about the difficulty of creating human organs from cell tissue, Dr. Candice Beatru, a collaborating researcher from the University of Texas, San Antonio, said, “It is extremely difficult to do and it’s only been in the last year or so that we’ve been able to get close to the desired end. It really makes me wonder about evolution and the people who ardently support it. We’re starting with already viable cells and creating the organs. The possibility of creating them by random chance from nothing is absurd by comparison.”

Dr. William U. Geddit, of Louisiana State University, laid out some of the findings from the teams over the course of the 5 year project. “We were able to gather medical data and other information on major political figures and future hopefuls through the Freedom of Intrusion Act. By studying this data, we came to some alarming conclusions that we felt would endanger the lives of countless Americans. eye-redFor instance, we studied the ophthalmic data for the current president and found that he had some disturbing anomalies. When looking at his own programs and agenda, the structure of the lens and cornea of the president’s eyes were found to change. These changes caused light to refract at a different wavelength than most people, creating a rose-colored hue.  On the other hand, when looking at others, especially those who oppose his plans, the president’s eye structure changed again, causing an almost opaque, solid covering over the eye. This means that if the eye2.1president sees people at all, they are just indefinite shadows and blobs of color instead of individuals. The cover has also been found to have a reflective interior meaning that the president sees himself more than those he is supposed to be looking at. We readily admit that some of the trouble the president has seeing people could be due to the height he has to look down on them from. We found these optic problems to be a severe danger to someone who is supposed to be concerned about the American people first and foremost.”

Dr. Geddit continued, “We also looked at the data taken from tests on the tongues of both the president and the vice president. What we found was astonishing. The tongues of both men seem to have the ability to speak out of both sides of their mouth at the same time. They also seem to lack the veritasin protein. This protein is what allows people to construct sentences that contain truth. The absence of the protein was disturbing to say the least. As we continued our studies, we were intrigued by the differences we found as well. In President Obama’s tongue, we found that the media besar tendon in the tongue has been compromised. This means that the president lacks the ability to say anything bad about certain media outlets and political figures. An unfortunate side effect of the damaged tendon is the fact that the president is unable to speak clearly and concisely without a digital media screen of some sort.”

While that seems bad, Dr. Geddit said that it is no better for the vice president. “Vice President Biden’s tongue has also been compromised. At first we thought that the damage was from consistently saying whatever people wanted to hear. After further study, we found that the damage was actually caused by micro-organisms that have been traced to his feet. The bacteria and other microbes on his feet have attacked special nerves in the tongue disconnecting the tongue from the brain. In the vice president’s case, the nerves have either been damaged beyond repair or completely severed.”

The most intriguing findings to date have come from those researchers working on the heart, brain, and spine. The findings show that thegrinch-heart hearts of many of America’s political leaders have shrunken to at least one-fourth the size of a normal six-year-old’s heart. One research assistant said, “This may not be professional, but it reminds me of the ‘Grinch Who Stole Christmas’” Those studying the brain have noted many complex concerns that may cause the completion of their part of the project to be delayed for at least another year. Dr. Vot R. U. Thingken of Temple says that the brain scans of many prominent politicians have shown the lowest activity of any she’s ever seen. “The scansbrain-scan2 we’ve looked at for the president, vice president, speaker of the house, and others show dead spots in areas vital to human compassion, interaction, as well as basic comprehension”. The most alarming find was the fact that all of those studied were lacking the receptors necessary to use common sense. “We spent hours pouring over the scans and checking our files to make sure that we had the correct data. The lack of color and activity on the scans matched more closely to those of pigs and oxen than of human beings. In the end, we scanned a box of rocks just to make sure the equipment was working.”

The most concerning find of all was from those working on the spine. From samples taken, the scientists have concluded that there is a significant change taking place in those tested. “We’ve noticed a yellow, gel-like fluid forming spine-meltaround the spinal column. The fluid contains many of the properties of bone tissue as well as some chemicals we have yet to identify”, says Ima Skeerd-Dekat, professor of osteoliquification at Mississippi State University. “Further studies are pending, but initial data seems to indicate that the fluid is actually the spine itself. The individuals studied seem to have no real backbone. Instead, it is a congealed mess of chemicals and lipids. Some of these chemicals appear to cause indifference to liberties being stolen or removed, the overwhelming desire to be accepted, and the inability to express outrage at legitimate injustices. They also seem to be the source of the strange idea that failing to implement the plans that these politicians have will result in catastrophes of unknown proportions. The interesting part is the fact that the chemicals seem to be replaced almost as quickly as they are consumed by the body.”

Dr. Fulovit says that while many may not understand the research that his team is doing, they should at least understand the concerns. “We desire that the president and those closest to him only receive the best healthcare possible. We also desire to see someone in a leadership position do something for someone besides themselves.”

The research teams will have their work cut out for them if they are to finish creating the number of organs they will need for the transplants. Even with all of the hard work and the deadlines to get it done, the majority of those interviewed seemed to sense some noble purpose in their efforts. The grant money that the teams have receieved will allow them to continue research into these experimental techniques. While it hasn’t been finalized as of this article’s publication, the team expressed an interest in studying and creating organs for the highest paid, most popular American televangelists and preachers. I can only hope they succeed…

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